It has happened to all of us and none of us like it – being ignored. Someone stands you up or is late for an appointment. You try to get involved in a group conversation but no one is listening. You feel overlooked as someone is chosen instead of you for a promotion. Somehow you never played for your school team or won a prize. The fact is that whenever this happens it hurts and can affect your current emotional health and future behaviour closing a few options down for you. Maybe you won’t trust ‘that’ person again or let yourself be in similar situations where you might be exposed to that kind of pain. Whether it happens in the playground, at home or at work, it can be a form of bullying, control or manipulation. No surprise then that we take steps for damage limitation.
- ‘Everyone wants to be liked; everyone wants approval. No one likes being ignored’ – Daniel Mallory Ortberg
- ‘Don’t give up or give in in the face of patronising ridicule, amused disdain, or being ignored’ – Meryl Streep
- ‘Most of my childhood memories of my father are of being ignored. I was his namesake, but nothing I did ever pleased or even interested him. He enjoyed telling me I couldn’t do anything right’ – Marlon Brando
- ‘I was never a troublemaker, but I also was never a nerdy kid. I was never a cool kid or a sports kid. At lunchtimes, I never fit in with any cliques, so I’d end up just walking around the school by myself, listening to music’ – Finn Jones
It’s a common behaviour to protect oneself by putting on headphones or peering intently at the mobile phone. Doing this declares that you don’t need or want interaction with others. This is a form of self-protection from being ignored, in other words it is ‘damage limitation’. A likely reason behind it is some hurt caused through a lack of acceptance or recognition by others safe in their own cliques – these self-interest groups exclude others who are different, new or less popular. They are a form of power base that inflicts tremendous pain throughout society to marginalise people, compounding loneliness and fragmentation.
To anyone with a bit of compassion, it is unacceptable. We might understand people avoiding eye contact on public transport and the emotional challenges people go through when starting a new job, school or even joining a sports club, but there is one surprising setting where it still can lead to hurt and alienation. Church! The very place where people should feel acceptance, genuine welcome and a sense of belonging. It is a sad fact that some have been so hurt by cliques and being ignored that they have stopped ‘going’ to church and no longer want to. The prospect of returning and crossing the threshold can cause panic or even dread. Perhaps this is why so many have disconnected and the statistics are all too often of churches in decline. Imagine visiting a truly healthy church where the welcome runs deeper than a superficial smile and handshake – now that’s somewhere more genuine and attractive.
Far from ignoring us, God reveals himself to us as the Father who cares about widows, orphans, aliens and every human being. His son Jesus made a point of seeking out those neglected by others, the lonely, prodigal and marginalised. He challenged the established cliques, including the Pharisees who he called ‘whitewashed sepulchres’. The church that Jesus built from scratch included every personality type and even those despised by so-called respectable people, prostitutes, outcasts and fraudsters – it still does. The gift of The Holy Spirit is given to those without any special gifting and brings us into fellowship with God. There is no discrimination, favouritism or elitism here but instead unconditional love, grace and acceptance to meet the need of every hungry human heart.
- ‘For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing’ – Deuteronomy 10:17-18
- ‘The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, “Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners”’ – John 7:34
- ‘Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life’ – 1 Timothy 4:15-16
- ‘May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all’ – 2 Corinthians 13:14
So when you feel ignored or invisible to others, remember that you are loved by God – He listens carefully to your words, is interested in your actions and pays attention to how you deal with every situation. He is for you and not against you, no matter what anyone else may think about you. He does not dismiss you or belittle you. He sees the potential in you and wants you to go for it, not alone or against the tide, but with His help, love and support. If you will do this, He will bring the best out in you and you will realise all that He has for you. Remember though, don’t ignore others as we all know it is hurtful, for God may just want you to be the one to bring His blessing of love and acceptance to others who are hurting too.