How raising a family brought me to God
In this Guest Post, Sophie explores how she never really felt like she belonged anywhere, but falling in love and raising a family brought her to God and helped her find a sense of peace and belonging she had always longed for.
I grew up in a fairly agnostic and non-traditional family where, other than my Grandad who was a conservative, traditional and privately religious man, no-one around me was religious or ever really spoke about religion; it was something that other people and other families had, and something that brought others together, but never mine.
And as the first born, disabled daughter of a teenage single Mother, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere – whether that be at school, as part of a specific friend group or a community; forever destined to be an outsider but desperate to belong.
“Maybe when you’re older”
At 11 years old, I vividly remember being in the back of my Mother’s car on the way home from somewhere especially far away and – after considering it quietly for many weeks, sparked by a recent visit to a school friend’s house whose family was deeply religious, and especially content – I asked my Mother if I could be baptised.
For my Mum, this must’ve come genuinely out of nowhere and, probably in surprise, she merely told me “maybe when you’re older”.
My request was never to be spoken of again.
Life and loss, and a lingering feeling of sadness
Fast forward to my mid-20s and, at 24, I gave birth to my daughter and lost my Grandad – the only male role model I had ever had growing up and my absolute hero, a man who had quite literally won medals for his dedication and service to his country – within a 12 day period; life and loss colliding so painfully that, to this day almost 13 years on, I struggle to think about.
Over the years that followed, I went back and forth with the idea of Christianity – many Christians I had met growing up and, indeed, as an adult, had seemed so genuinely fulfilled and at peace in their lives; often finding freedom from the trivial worries & anxieties of everyday life that plagued me – trusting instead in God and finding purpose in the divine path. Yet, having grown up the way that I had, I didn’t feel like I was ‘worthy’ of a relationship with God or knew enough about Him to commit to a relationship with Him.
Admittedly, alongside this was also a lingering feeling of sadness when I thought of Him; why would God have allowed me to be born with a disability that affected my life so profoundly or allowed me to have suffered in the ways that I have if He truly loves me?
Falling in love and finding faith
But, at the tail-end of the recent pandemic in 2021, I met my partner – a Christian man who, over the years since we’ve met, has consciously grown stronger in his faith, and has found a deep and meaningful connection with God.
Bearing witness to his journey to God has been incredibly enjoyable for me and, as the years have gone by, I’ve found increasing confidence in asking him about God, Jesus and the Bible, as well as what being a Christian means to him and the impact it has on his life.
When he speaks of Jesus, I find myself deeply moved and have, over the years, felt evermore drawn to Him.
With this, I’ve realised that the struggles I’ve endured and the moments of hardship I’ve experienced are not as a direct consequence of God and, indeed, God is with me during my most difficult times; God loves me and gives me strength; He walks with me, not against me.
Now, instead of questioning God, I speak to him
Now, instead of questioning God when life gets tough, I speak to Him and I make a conscious effort to feel close to Him, whereas before I may have rejected or questioned Him.
Through my partner – listening to him, asking questions and quietly considering – I’ve found the confidence I lacked but always wanted to begin my own journey to God and, when our son was born in the Autumn of 2024, made a conscious decision to explore my faith and become closer to Jesus.
In the summer, I will finally – 26 years after first asking! – be baptised, alongside our son and my daughter, and make a commitment to God.
Through finding love and raising a family, I have found God. Although I’m only now – at 37 – taking my first baby steps to know Him, I am excited to have found belonging, and the contentment, peace and fulfillment I always envied in others.